Casino humor

casino jokes and hilarious casino puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about casino that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Make your next party a hit with casino jokes! Have a laugh with our collection of funny jokes involving casino dealers, casino birthdays, visits to Indian casinos, and amusing takes on gambling in Euros and Craps.

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at the roulette table when

I was just about to place my chips on the roulette table at the casino when the African man standing next to me gave me a nudge and said, "Black, "
I shook his hand and said, "White, "

How can you always break even at the casino?

Play the change machines.

Did you hear about the fat guy who spent his free time in a British casino?

He heard it was a fast way to lose pounds.

I saw my buddy Barry Goldstein at the casino the other night.

It was very un-jew-sual.

Three blondes stuck on a desert island.

When they find a magic lamp, after a quick rub out pops a genie.
"I shall grant you three wishes" he states.
The first blonde wished to be on a giant cruise ship.
With a click, she was gone.
The second blonde wished she was in a casino with millions to play with.
Click! She vanished.
The third blonde looked upset.
"Whats the matter" asked the genie.
"I dont want to be alone on this island, i wish my friends were back"

What is the name of that casino on the beach?

Pair-a-dice.

I'm a graphic designer for an online casino

I do a lot of arts & craps.

Did you hear about the casino croupier whose hand, through a tragic accident, was reduced to a stub?

Don't worry, he's dealing with it.

I know the secret to leaving a casino with a small fortune

Walk in with a big fortune.
Happy new year

Why did his holiness The Dalai Lama go to the casino?

Tibet.

Why was the dietician kicked out of the casino?

He was caught counting carbs.

What is your best casino joke?

I work in a casino and want to hear your best one.
Here is mine: what's the difference between a canoe and a baccarat player?
A canoe sometimes tips!

Did you hear about the Casino that hired a Blacksmith?

He who smelt it, dealt it.

Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?

Because he was on a roll.

I wanted to be a s** casino for Halloween..

thisisnl.nl I was afraid I'd be slot-shamed.

There aren't that many casinos in Africa.

Cause there are too many cheetahs.
And if you meet one who claims he isn't a cheetah, he's probably lion to you.

What's a pig's favourite casino game?

Porker.

How do you fail at selling steaks?

The same way you bankrupt a casino.

Recently a new casino opened in Tokyo (Japan)

It is called "Pokermon Go"

A man walks in a casino with a toucan

He always let's his bird play, and the toucan always wins if somebody else is about to win, and every time he wins he tries another game.
Somebody notices and the guy just won from a cheater, he asks: "how do you do that?"
Then the guy says "because
Toucan play that game"

Fire exits

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
-Mitch Hedberg

The Bet

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says: "I want to bet $20, on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely n**"
They agree to her unusual request and she strips n** from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams: "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.
For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says: "What did she roll, anyway?"
The second dealer says: "I don't know. I thought *you* were watching."

What is it called when you're having second thoughts about booking a room at a Native American casino?

A reservation reservation reservation.

What's The Difference Between People, Who Pray In Temple And People Who Pray In A Casino?

Those praying In Casino Are More Serious.

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino, but after four weeks, they still hadn't been delivered, so I called them up to see what was going on

They told me they were still dealing with my order

Hear about the man who needed to use his fingers and toes to count to 20?

He was thrown out of the casino when he pulled his pants down while playing blackjack

I was in a casino on the roulette machine last night, when the man standing next to me turned to me and said, "Black, "

I shook his hand and said, "White, "

What is an Italian's favorite casino game?

Penne slots.

I took my masochistic girlfriend to the casino, but she lost all my money.

She kept screaming Hit me! at the blackjack table.

A couple move to Nevada and the husband hits it big at the casino

He rushes into his house and yells to his wife,
"Pack up your things. I just won a million dollar slot machine jackpot!"
The wife replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The husband responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon."

What is it called when an Eskimo loses a lot of money at the casino?

Mukluk

I lost over a hundred pounds last week

That's the last time I'll gamble in a British casino.

I couldn't believe my local casino had a 'bring your own custom dice' night.

I just rolled my eyes.

Two kinda oldish guys visit a casino

And they arrive at the Roulette table. "Hey, what number should we bet on?" "I dunno. How often do you have s** in a week?" "12 times." "AWESOME! Me too! Let's bet on 12!".
The ball spins around and around and finally settles on the Zero.
Moral: Be honest.

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.

She's obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter's college tuition money back?

A drunk man walks out of the casino.

He stops a cab and asks the driver,
"Take me anywhere you want and I'll pay what you want"
The driver responds,
"Sure, pay me 50 dollars and stay where you are"

Why do fat people lose so much at casino tables?

Because whenever they are out of chips they always grab more.

A local casino is offering m** infused beef to their best bettors.

That's really high steaks for their high rollers.

My friend is addicted to visiting Vegas and watching craps in a casino for hours.

Then one day, security dragged him out of the bathroom

This Just in: Casinos in Vegas are hoping to be open by Memorial Day. I'm really excited to get back to work!

Said, the Corona Virus.

Why was I charged so much for eating chips?

The casino man said he'd never seen anything quite like it

How I lost pounds in one day

Had a bad time at the casino.

The house always wins.

Except in the Trump casino.

My wife thinks I care more about gambling than our kids.

That isn't true at all. I am going to stay in this casino until I win our son's tuition back to prove it.

When I go to casinos, the most

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

Did you know that Vegas has more Catholic Churches than casinos?

Not surprisingly, some Sunday worshipers give casino chips when the collection basket is passed. Since they get chips for many different casinos the churches have devised a system to handle the collections. The churches send all of their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then taken to the individual casinos to redeem for cash.
This is done by the chip monks.

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino.

After four weeks they still hadn't been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.
They told me they were still dealing with my order.

Why are there no casinos in China?

Because they don't like Tibet.

What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?

In a casino, you really mean it.

I have a perfect gambling strategy that will allow you to walk out of any casino with a small fortune. It works every time

All you have to do is walk into the casino with a large fortune.

A dad drives his Honda to the casino

The Valet says, Good evening Sir, we'll take it from here.
To which the man replies, No thanks, I'll do it on my own Accord.

A man goes into a casino and sees a sign that reads:

If you have a gambling problem, call GAMBLER.
He thinks about it for a moment and then dials the number. When they answered he said, I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?

My first day at the casino I was late for work, my boss yelled at me, and they put me at a Blackjack table with no cards.

I looked at all the players and said "I can't deal with this. "

Slots

A woman is on vacation in Las Vegas, playing the slot machines. It's her first time in a casino, so she asks a casino employee, "How does this work?" The worker shows her how to insert a bill, how to hit the spin button, and to operate the machine's release handle. "And where does the money come out?" the woman asks.
The casino employee smiles, motions to the far wall, and says, "Usually at the ATM."

Dog Casino

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's new with you?" the bartender asks. "Well I just opened a new casino for dogs. They can play poker, black jack, roulette almost all the games," the guy says. "They have to go outside for craps, though."

There's this casino in Moscow

roulette is the least popular table in the house.

A man walks into the casino and asks a security guard which machine people get the most money from

The guard points to the ATM machine.

A father takes his son to the casino.

A father takes his son to the casino and they lose $1, in one hour.
Dad tells his disappointed son don't worry son we'll come back tomorrow and do better
The next day they come back to the casino and the dad grabs $1, and throws it in the garbage and heads for the exit.
The son asks his dad wtf he's doing and the dad says yesterday we lost time and money, today we only lost money