South park indian casino

"SOUTH PARK" Episode "RED MAN'S GREED" Written by Trey Parker [Three Feathers Casino, night. People flock in. The building is massive, the front entrance is prefaced with a long pool with water jets shooting water into the air. The interior is shown, with its slot machines and milling crowds. The boys enter with the Marshes and the Broflovskis. Randy and Gerald carry cigars in their hands] STAN Wow, dude. CARTMAN Man, Indians have it good, huh? RANDY Now, Eric, they're called Native Americans, remember? Show some respect. CARTMAN All right, let's go! RUNS WITH PREMISE Halt. I am afraid minors cannot go onto the casino floor. CARTMAN I'm not a miner, dumbass! Do you see a shovel in my hand?! RUNS WITH PREMISE You kids can enjoy our Native American Comedy Club. KYLE'S FATHER All right, we're gonna hit the tables. Why don't you kids run along to the comedy club? RANDY All right, time to win some money! KYLE'S FATHER Oh yeah! blackjack table! BLACKJACK DEALER Welcome to the blackjack table. May luck run through you, like the spirit of the buffalo. KYLE'S MOTHER Gerald, this is ten dollars a hand! KYLE'S FATHER Relax, sweetie I know how to count cards. KYLE'S MOTHER Well I don't wanna play here! SHARON Yeah. Come on, Sheila, let's go to the nickle slots. RANDY Oooo, the nickle slots! You might win the thirty-dollar jackpot! Ahh, women, huh? God I hate 'em. KYLE'S FATHER All right, time to show these people how to gamble! [An entrance is shown - The Laughing Coyote Comedy Lodge, then the interior of the lodge itself. A Native American drummer sits on stage.] ANNOUNCER Welcome to the Three Feathers Comedy Club. Please put your hands together for Johnny Manymoons! KYLE What is Native American comedy, anyway? MANYMOONS Thank you, thank you. Bear walked into a bar. Bear said to Deer, "May I please have a drink?" And so Deer said to Bear, "Why the big paws?" AUDIENCE Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! MANYMOONS Many moons ago, Pony and Eagle walked up to Coyote. Pony said to Coyote, "I am very mad at Eagle. Will you yell at him for me?" Coyote said to Pony, "Why can you not yell yourself?" And Pony replied, "Because I am a little horse." AUDIENCE Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! [The blackjack table. Gerald sits alone fiddling with some chips. Randy returns from somewhere with a cup of coins] RANDY How's it goin', Gerald? KYLE'S FATHER Ohh, not so good. RANDY Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm down three hundred bucks. KYLE'S FATHER Yeah. I'm down twenty-six thousand. RANDY Yeah, well, maybe we should- wait. Twenty-six thousand dollars?? KYLE'S FATHER I forgot to tell you, ah I have a gambling problem. RANDY Gerald, twenty-six thousand-! KYLE'S FATHER Sshhhh! I have to win it back before Sheila finds out! RANDY Where did you get that kind of money?? KYLE'S FATHER The casino gave me credit! I put the house up as collateral! But I still have this ten-dollar chip. BLACKJACK DEALER Dealer, twenty one. Sorry. KYLE'S FATHER That's it. I'm destitute. Loan me money! You've gotta have money in the cup! Wha- what's in the cup? RANDY Just six quarters! KYLE'S FATHER Oh God. Oh Jesus. BLACKJACK DEALER Thank you for playing at Three Feathers. May your life be filled with the song of the sparrow. KYLE'S FATHER Oh, shove the song of the sparrow up your ass! [Three Bears Casino, sometime later. Randy and Gerald sit on a bench next to some slot machines. Gerald's head hangs low] KYLE'S FATHER How am I going to tell my family? How do I tell them that tomorrow, we have to pack up our things and get out of the house? KYLE'S MOTHER There's daddy! KYLE'S FATHER Oh, Jesus. KYLE'S MOTHER Where have you guys been? We've been looking all over. KYLE Yeah. Come on, Dad, this place sucks. I wanna go. KYLE'S FATHER What, What did you say? KYLE I said I wanna leave. KYLE'S FATHER Oh, you wanna leave, huh?! Okay, fine, Kyle, when we get home, we'll just pack up our things, load them in the car, and we'll leave! KYLE What?? No, no, I mean, I- KYLE'S FATHER No, no, no, if you wanna leave South Park, fine! Tomorrow we're leaving! KYLE'S MOTHER Gerald, what are you talking about? KYLE'S FATHER Oh, you heard him, Sheila! Kyle wants to leave! Our nice old house doesn't interest Kyle anymore! Well I'm callig the moving company right now! CARTMAN Well, you shouldn't be such a dick, dude. SHARON What's wrong with Gerald? RANDY He he lost his house to the Native Americans. SHARON What?? But don't the Native Americans know he has nowhere else to go? RANDY They don't care. [The casino office. Chief Runs with Premise looks out over the floor] RUNS WITH PREMISE Look at them! Small-minded idiots pouring their life-savings away! ELDER 1 Their cash flows out of them like diarrhea from the buffalo. ELDER 2 Yes, but we have milked this simple mountain folk almost dry. If we really want to see cash flow, we need to bring in city people from Denver. RUNS WITH PREMISE Yeessss. It is time for us to implement our plan. A superhighway, built from Denver right to our casino! AIDE 1 And what do we do about the small town of South Park that lies in the highway's way? RUNS WITH PREMISE Simple. We buy it, and we demolish it! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! ELDERS Ha ha ha ha! [South Park Elementary, next day. A town meeting is being held in the gym. Mayor McDaniels sits at a table with four aides, two on either side of her.] MAYOR MCDANIELS And that's really all I can tell you. The town of South Park is going to be leveled, in order to make way for a twelve-lane superhighway. RANDY But how can they do that?! MAYOR MCDANIELS The Native Americans have purchased the land from under us. Tomorrow, they're buying the last of what they need to have complete ownership. JIMBO Well can't we stop them? Let's call the bank. MAYOR MCDANIELS The Native Americans bought the bank. MR. GARRISON Oh my God. MAYOR MCDANIELS Now, look, it isn't all horrible. The Native Americans are offering you retail values on your homes. RANDY No, screw that! We'll just pool our money together and buy the town ourselves! CHEF Yeah! Let the South Park people own South Park! RANDY How much do we have to raise, Mayor? MAYOR MCDANIELS Three hundred thousand dollars. RANDY Ohhh, never mind. BUTTERS How can they do that, huh? How can they make us all move away? CARTMAN Because they're rich, greedy-ass Indians! KYLE Native Americans. STAN Our whole town, gone. We'd had such great times here. Zombies destroy the town as the boys walk through in their Halloween costumes Trapper Keeper grabs a phone booth as it reaches mammoth dimensions The townsfolk fight the mutant turkeys Christopher Reeve throws a truck at some people, and they dive out of the way. The giant fireworks snake demolishes the town The Geldon causes havoc on the Drew Carey Show as the Knights of Standards and Practices watch The pirate ghost ship fires off a cannon shot and the townsfolk dive out of the way. Some of them are killed on impact. The pro-war and anti-war factions fight over the Iraq war. The town reenacts the Civil War Mr. Hankey summons up massive amounts of crap in order to get rid of the Hollywood gliterati Mecha-Streisand fights off Ultura Marutin and Megara Poatia] [stops reminiscing, turns around, and walks back to the boys] We can't let them do it, you guys! We have to find a way to stop those Native Americans! THE BOYS Yeah! ALEX Yeah, this is our town! STAN We shouldn't have to make a bunch of new friends somewhere else. We're a team! KYLE, BUTTERS, TWEEK Yeah! CARTMAN That's right! BUTTERS Yeah, ahh, that's right! ALEX Yeah, we're a team! STAN We just gotta figure out a way to raise three hundred thousand dollars! CARTMAN Wait a minute! I've got it, you guys! We can get Kyle infected with AIDS! And then start a charity organization that we steal money from! Come on, let's go! No? We can't give Kyle AIDS? STAN We need somethng that'll get us money tomorrow! BUTTERS Hey, I know! How about a dog parade? KYLE Dog parade? BUTTERS Yeah! We dress up all our dogs in little outfits, and parade them down the street. It'll be so adorable! KYLE How do we make three hundred thousand dollars doing that? BUTTERS Oh Uh well, we could sell tickets to our moms and dads. STAN Our moms and dads are the ones who need money, Butters! BUTTERS Oh CARTMAN Maybe give Kyle AIDS, huh? Lookin' a little better now. [South Park, later on, day. The Broflovski house is shown, and a massive bulldozer rolls up to knock it down. A large chunk of it is torn off by the scoop.] KYLE'S MOTHER Oh, Gerald, I, I can't watch! RANDY How can you do this to people? RUNS WITH PREMISE We're sorry. But if we do not build a superhighway, our casino might stop seeing profits. RANDY There's more to life than profits! RUNS WITH PREMISE Well like what? RANDY Well like, you know, Slurpees and stuff. CHRIS Well, come on, honey, I guess we should start packing up our things as well. MR. GARRISON Yeah. So long, South Park. STAN Mom! Dad! We figured out a way we could raise three hundred thousand dollars! CHRIS A dog parade? STAN No! RANDY Stan, we've all tried to raise money, but we only raise ten thousand dollars, and the deadline is tomorrow. STAN I know. So how about we take the ten thousand dollars back to the Indian casino? Tell them, Kyle! KYLE The odds on a single number in roulette are thirty-five to one. That means, with a ten thousand dollar bet, you win three hundred and fifty thousand. KYLE'S MOTHER Boys, that's ridiculous. STAN Look, we, we've got nothing to lose. CHEF What do you guys think? JIMBO It's a long shot. RANDY Yeah. But it's the only shot we've got to save our town. [Three Feathers Casino, that night. The townsfolk are there once more] RUNS WITH PREMISE The residents of South Park had hoped to raise three hundred thousand dollars. but in the end managed to raise only ten. The loss of their town may be imminent for the poor people of South Park. Awww, I think I'm going to cuwhy. TWO ELDERS HA ha ha ha! HA ha ha ha! [The doors open and the townsfolk surge in. Randy carries a large amount of yellow chips] RANDY All right, boys. You're gonna have to wait here. STAN Dad. Good luck. RANDY It's in God's hand now. Stand aside, everyone! RUNS WITH PREMISE What are they doing? RANDY We're gonna try and beat you at your own game, Chief Runs With Premise! Ten thousand dollars! On thirty one black! RUNS WITH PREMISE Impossible! STAN Come on! Come on! RUNS WITH PREMISE Thirty one. Black. TOWNSFOLK Yeah! All right! Woohoo! Oh we did it! We did it! Oh my God! Oh this is amazing! RUNS WITH PREMISE No NOOO! ALEX South Park is saved. COUNSELOR MACKEY We have plenty enough to save our town now! KYLE'S FATHER Yeah! But wait. Three hundred and fifty thousand dollars. That means if we won again, it will be twelve and a quarter million! MR. GARRISON We can save the town and be super-rich! RANDY Oh hell yeah! Let it ride! KYLE'S FATHER Let it ride!! TOWNSFOLK Woohoo! Yeah! KYLE What the hell are they doing?? JIMBO Let's go thirty one! Let's see it! ROULETTE DEALER Two, red. You lose. TOWNSFOLK AWWWWWWW!! RANDY Damnit! RUNS WITH PREMISE Hmmm! STAN Theh, they had it! They freakin' had it! [The road. The Marshes drive home in their car, a much nicer one than the one they had once. Randy drives, Sharon sits on the passanger side. Stan sits between Shelley and Grandpa in the back seat.] STAN You totally had it! You had enough to save the town and then some. RANDY Stan? Okay? You just don't understand the fine points of gambling. You're never supposed to stop when you're on a winning streak. STAN A winning streak??!! You played one game!!!! RANDY Stan? Okay? STAN What??? RANDY All right? Stan? Okay? STAN You people just got greedy, like the Native Americans! RANDY Hey, mister!! We're not like them, all right?! Now, we may have pie in the sky dreams once in a while, but we aren't the ones kicking people out of their homes! So don't you compare us to those cold-hearted, money-grubbing, evil stinky Indians! I'm sorry, Native Americans. [South Park, next day. A "SOLD" sign is placed above the town sign, indicating that the town, indeed, has been sold. At South Park Elementary, the residents stand in long lines waiting for the checks being offered for their homes] ELDER 2 There you are, sir. There's the check for your home. Just sign here, and here. MR. GARRISON Well, this is it, Mr. Slave. We're officially homeless. MR. SLAVE Jezuth! Jezuth Chrith! STAN Dad, what are you doing?! Don't take their dirty money! RANDY Stanley, we don't have a choice. The Native Americans own South Park now. We have to take what they'll give us for our homes. ELDER 3 There you go. Have a nice day. STAN Come on, you guys! This is our town! COUNSELOR MACKEY It's over, Stanley. What else can we do? STAN We can stay. And fight. CARTMAN Yeah! When the Indians come to tear up our town, we kick 'em in the nuts! KENNY (Yeah!) ALEX Yeah! They don't own our town! We do! CHEF I'm sorry, boys. You just don't understand economics. RANDY It'll be okay, boys, we'll just move to the next town over. STAN Oh sure. Until the Native Americans decide they want that land, too! What if the Native Americans just keep building their casinos and their highways uh, until we have nowhere else to go?? We have to stand up to them now! Rrrgh! Forget it! Come on, you guys! CARTMAN You're all a bunch of God-damned pussies! [South Park, day. Moments later, a train of bulldozers roll down into town. Runs with Premise, riding on the lead bulldozer, looks happy until he sees the boys standing abreast on the street, blocking the way] RUNS WITH PREMISE Get out of our way! STAN No! We won't let you destroy our town! RUNS WITH PREMISE Boys. It isn't your town anymore. STAN Just because you have a piece of paper saying you own it doesn't make it yours. We grew up here. Our parents grew up here. We shop at that Wal-Mart, and eat at that Chilis. We take fish from the streams and bread them and freeze them to make fish sticks. This is not just a town, it is our way of life. ELDER 1 Well your way of life is about to change, little boys. Now move! KYLE You can't just roll into places and take people's lives away! A DRIVER And what are four little boys going to do to stop us, huh? TOWNSFOLK We are strong No one can tell us we're wrong [Stan looks behind him, smiles, then looks up to his left. People now appear on the roofs of the buildings as well as on the street.] Searching our hearts for so lohh-oo-ohh-oo-ong [Stan looks at the roofs on the other side of the street, smiling.] Both of us knowing [The boys grin] Love Is A Battlefield STAN This land is not for sale. RUNS WITH PREMISE Damnit! I thought you said they were dealt with! ELDER 1 They were! MR. GARRISON Sorry, Charlies! You can just keep your filthy bastard Indian money! PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Filthy bastard Native American money! MR. GARRISON Uh oh, right, huh. Sorry about that. RUNS WITH PREMISE This isn't over! JIMBO We'll never give up! You bastards! ALEX Yeah! South Park is ours. COUNSELOR MACKEY But, what do we do now? I mean, we can't just stand here and block their way forever. RANDY We can stand here as long as it takes. [Three Feathers Casino, night. Chief Runs with Premise looks over the casino floor from his office] RUNS WITH PREMISE What is the state of our people? ELDER 2 Last nignt I spoke with the spirit of the bear, and Bear said that if we do not build our highway soon, our investors may soon sell off their shares of the new casino. ELDER 1 Yes, and Eagle says the cumulative shared market loss on the revenue of the new casino drops fiftenn percent every day. RUNS WITH PREMISE Then we must force the South Park people off their petty land. ELDER 1 But they are determined and proud. And the spirit of the wind has stated that if we use force, it could be a publicity nightmare, further hurting our net assets. RUNS WITH PREMISE I already have a plan how we can force them off our land sneakily. We're going to give them blankets. ELDER 1 Blankets? RUNS WITH PREMISE Yes. We will present the blankets as a peace offering. But what the round-eyes will not know is that the blankets are infected with SARS. They will all get SARS! And then SARS will run through their town like a buffalo. Now I need your help getting the SARS onto the blankets. Okay, bring them in! Let's see how South Park deals with this! Everyone grab a Chinese person and rub them on a blanket. Make sure you rub them all over. Get the SARS nice and deep in there. [South Park, next day. The deadline has arrived] FIELD REPORTER Tom, I'm standing in chilly South Park, Colorado, where the residents are entering the third day of their sit-in to try and stop Native Americans from building a superhighway through their town. The temperature is low, but spirits are pretty low, too. RANDY What do they want? MR. GARRISON We're not moving, assfaces! RUNS WITH PREMISE Free blanket? Though I know we have differences, we believe a compromise can be reached. In the meantime, it hurts us to see you all on television sitting in the cold. Will you not take this offering as a gesture of goodwill? MR. GARRISON You had me at "free blanket." ELDERS Free blanket? Free blanket? Free blanket FIELD REPORTER Tom, it now looks as if the Native Americans are handing out blankets as a sign of goodwill towards the South Park people. What an incredible display of compassion. I certainly hope there's nothing sinister behind it. RUNS WITH PREMISE Please. As a token of good faith. RANDY You understand if I'm a little wary of trusting you. RUNS WITH PREMISE It is only a blanket, Mister Marsh. RANDY Well, thanks. RUNS WITH PREMISE Oh. You're welcome. [South Park, day, later. People are anywhere from asleep to sick.] FIELD REPORTER Tom, it's Tuesday morning now, and the outbreak of SARS in South Park has reached epic proportions. The entire town has been quarantined by the federal government, nobody allowed in our out, which means, nobody can come to our aid. It appears this town, and this reporter, are done for. Coming up next, choosing the right hair conditioner. What you don't know about hair care products could be costing you a bundle. [Randy has taken ill and now lies under a lean-to. Sharon sits on one side of the lean-to, Shelley on the other. Stan walks up to his dad with a can of beer in his hand. Randy coughs] STAN It's all right, dad. RANDY How's your mother? STAN She's hanging in there. Here, drink some beer. RANDY It's cool on my tongue. STAN You're gonna be all right. RANDY Stanley, listen to me. I have SARS. There's only a ninety-eight percent chance that I will live. STAN No, Dad, NO. RANDY Listen, Stan. SARS is destroying our people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us. Soon there will be only ninety-eight percent of us left. STAN What can I do? RANDY You must find a cure for SARS, son. And save our people. STAN Cure SARS? Aw, Jesus! RANDY The spirit of middle-class white people is strong in you, son. Seek out the wise man in Bellocreek. Now go. GO! [Bellocreek Trailer Park. Stan approaches it and enters. He walks up to a trailer and knocks on the door.] WISE MAN What? STAN Hey, my name's Stan, and I was- WISE MAN Your coming was foretold to me. You've come to save our people. Come in. Watch the cats. STAN Uh so, do you know how to cure SARS? WISE MAN Me?? Huh, no. I am just a guide. Sit down. You must find the answer yourself, by taking an inward journey. STAN An inward journey? That sounds kind of gay. WISE MAN Let the voices of our ancestors show you the way. Breathe. Breathe from the bag of visions. STAN Ah! Oh, dude! [Three Feathers Casino, night. Chief Runs with Premise holds a meetingn in his second-story office.] RUNS WITH PREMISE How much longer must we wait for our superhighway?? ELDER 1 SARS has spread through the entire town of South Park, Chief Runs with Premise. Their wills will break soon. RUNS WITH PREMISE Then I suppose we must be patient. WOMAN Runs with Premise, come quickly! RUNS WITH PREMISE What is the matter, wife? WOMAN It is our son, Premise Running Thin. He is very sick. [Premise Running Thin's bedroom. He's in bed, wearing a headband with a feather attached to it. His parents approach] RUNS WITH PREMISE Premise Running Thin, what is the matter? WOMAN He, he shared a cup with one of the people from China. He has SARS! RUNS WITH PREMISE No! I told you not to touch them! PREMISE RUNNING THIN Papa. Papa MEDICINE MAN I have given him herbs from the desert plant and water from the cactus of life. But nothing seems to be working. PREMISE RUNNING THIN This would never have happened if those townspeople would have just moved away! No more waiting around! Tomorrow we begin the final stage of our plan! Shock and Awe! [South Park, next day. The townspeople are still sick. Stan runs up to Randy.] STAN Dad! Dad! RANDY Stanley. Did you have an inward journey with the old man? Did you have a vision?? STAN Ah, I don't know if I did or not. I, I saw something, someone spoke to me and told me the middle-class white way to cure SARS. Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup, Dayquil, and Sprite. RANDY Yes. Yes, of course. Quickly, Stan, we must give it to everyone! KYLE Boy, that really did the trick, Stan. I thought we were kind of, sort of, not really done for. ALEX Thanks to you, we're all safe now, Stan. RUNS WITH PREMISE Now, I will blow your weak, SARS-infested bodies off the Earth! What the? Wait a minute. Stop! Stop! Your, your SARS. Where did it go? RANDY We have cured ourselves using the medicines of our culture. RUNS WITH PREMISE My son Premise Running Thin has the SARS as well. You you can cure him? [Three Feathers Casino, upstairs. Premise Running Thin sits in bed sipping his soup. A can of Sprite and some Dayquil are on his tray. Around his bed are the Three Feathers tribe on one side, the South Park residents on the other] ELDER 1 It is amazing. All our plants and herbs failed to heal him, but your people's remedy brings the spirit of the buffalo back into his heart. Perhaps there are many things we can learn from your way of life. RANDY We're a simple people. All we want is to be allowed to live our lives. RUNS WITH PREMISE You have cured Premise Running Thin. In return, I shall give you all five dollars credit at the casino. All right, all right, I will not build a superhighway through your town. And you can all have your homes back. TOWNSFOLK All right! Yeah! Woohoo! ALEX Well, I guess we all learned that South Park is more than just a town. It's a community that nobody can split up. STAN Dude, who the hell are you? ALEX Alex. Alex Glick. I got to come on and do the guest voice thingy. KYLE What?! Get the hell out of here! ALEX Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Joe! THE END

Index    |    Submit    |    Link to IMSDb    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy    |    Contact